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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.